I knew you were mad at me...

I totally knew, I always know. I think I tried to talk about it, but I'm also passive as fuck, so it was just awkward.

There's a part of me that wishes it hadn't happened that way, but at the same time, I didn't realize how unhappy I was until I wasnt with Emily. Not that she made me unhappy b/c she's fucking awesome and incredible and I loved what we had together. I just wasn't doing anything outside of Me and Emily, and then there was Allison. And I did all the things I wanted to do, yet could also have an awesome relationship. Then I realized I was afraid of commitment, and now I don't know where I am.

I don't want a relationship. I feel good without one. I told Kristin (lu) I'm afraid Darcy is going to start liking me. I hope that doesn't happen. I really enjoy her company and don't want to have to say 'i dont like you like that' to anyone else. I just want to be for a while. I need to figure out me without a someone. Lu said I need to stop surrounding myself with people. But I love people, and when I'm alone, I feel like I don't know what to do with myself.

I wish you could just move to Italy with Riley. I mean, you prolly could...right? Would he want that? Do you guys talk about that? I wish he talked about his emotions more. Maybe he'll go to Italy for a year and you'll just love each other from far away and it'll be hard, but it'll be ok. I mean, there's no one else you want to date, why wouldn't you at least try it?? But that's me, the queen of long distance relationships.

I wonder if Hillary and Zack are going to move away? Like, what do they both want? What does Hillary want and why isn't she Lo Bosworth's best friend? I know you love Lo, but I feel like Hillary and Lo would be really good together b/c Hillary would hate when Lo was dumb and it'd be really funny.

Remember when I was going to ask Emily to marry me?
I wonder where I would be in my life right now, if I had. I 100% believe I am meant to be here right now, things are going where they are supposed to, that's for sure.

I also feel a little lost and selfish. I want to be working on my career, but my career is at the hands of other people, so I'm doing a lot of waiting. I feel selfish b/c I feel like I've hurt a lot of people. I hate that I hurt Emily. The other day I was listening to that song Lauren Zettler wrote about me and emily. "Love" and I couldn't hold it together b/c it was too much sad and I still feel like a shitty person.
ugh.
i miss you. I wish we were watching Gossip Girl and you were explaining why the blonde girl was kissing that older guy.
Loveyouduh